This isn’t going to be one of my infamous one-line film reviews because this is a film I want to talk  to you guys about a bit.

A lot of you may not of heard of Irreversible.

I love films. I love small indie films as much as I am a sucker for a big, popcorn blockbuster. I’d heard quite a few things about Irreversible a few years ago when it was released and it was then I first saw it and it was last night that I watched it for a second time.

The film is quite simply the most astonishing, shocking and brutal piece of film I’ve ever seen. It takes its name from the fact the film is played in reverse (you start with the last scene, finish with the first) and is about 3 friends – Monica Bellucci, Vincent Cassel and Albert Dupontel - and how quickly an idyllic life can be destroyed by violence.  It’s the brilliance of how director, Gaspar Noe shoots and edits the film that makes it hit home. The first 25 minutes are a brutal assault on your senses – the scene in a gay fetish club and it’s use of high-frequency sound in the overall mix as well as the spinning camera is the most convincing representation of drug and alcohol high that I think cinema has ever created and the act of violence itself is horrific and totally realistic. I’ve seen enough films in my time to not shock easily, in fact it’s a very rare occurence. The fire-extinguisher beat down shocked me to the core of my being as I had no idea it was coming (I’m purposely not discussing the films biggest controversy so that anyone who does decide to watch on account of this post will not know that’s coming either).

The genius of the film is the reverse chronological order it’s shot. 13 scenes in total force us to witness the violence first and then the course of events that lead toward it. You see an act of violence, but you don’t know why it’s happening. Only later do you discover why things have unfolded in this manner and only then do you understand it’s an act of vengeance.  It’s the most affecting piece of film I’ve watched and I can’t get it out of my head. I suggest anyone reading this find it (It’s fairly easy to find on most free-view movie sites or Amazon) and watch it because, as brutal as it may be, it’s a brilliant depiction of just how easy it is for things to be destroyed. The motif at the end of the film (or the start depending on how you see it) is “Time destroys everything” . It caused people to vomit, pass-out and leave movie theaters when it was shown at the Festival de Cannes in 2002 and even sparked riots. It’s not for the faint-hearted but it’s worth getting through (which isn’t easy) because it’s rare you’ll see something as frighteningly honest about the extents human beings can go and the despicable things that even the most placid are capable of. For me this film isn’t shock for shock’s sake, it doesn’t glorify violence. It shows it in most brutal and horrifying form and acts as a deterrent in some respects. If you’ve ever had a movie-fantasy about beating someone up, this will have the opposite effect. It’s essential cinema in rawest, most visceral and shocking form. It’s just a brilliant piece of film-making and should be seen because of its sheer power.

Below is the clip of the film’s murder. (Do NOT watch this if you are easily offended by violence and disturbing images)

I don’t usually bother with these silly internet surveys you see pretty much everywhere you look on either Facebook or MySpace, but this one caught my eye.

It basically tells you to add all the fines for any of the nefarious acts listed below you may have done and you come up with a total you can tell your friends. Exciting stuff, isn’t it? Anyways, for the sake of trying to release a little Friday-morning boredom I thought I’d have a pop and see how much I owe – obviously I’m not going to pay anyone, although I wouldn’t be surprised to see the government implement something along the same lines as another way to part the humble working man from his humble hard-earned cash.

Here’s the survey entitled “Have you ever??”

Smoked weed — £10
Ever had sex at church — £25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — £40
Had sex with someone on MySpace/Facebook/Bebo etc — £25
Had sex for money — £100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican — £20
Vandalized something — £20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — £10
Beat up someone — £20
Been jumped — £10
Cross dressed — £10
Given money to stripper — £25
Been in love with a stripper — £20
Kissed someone whose name you didn’t know — £0.10
Hit on some one of the same-sex while at work — £15
Ever drive and drank — £20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — £50
Used toys while having sex — £30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — £20
Went skinny dipping — £5
Had sex in a pool — £20
Kissed someone of the same-sex — £10
Had sex with someone of the same-sex — £20
Cheated on your significant other — £10
Masturbated — £10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — £20
Done oral — £5
Got oral — £5
Done / got oral in a vehicle while it was moving — £25
Stole something — £10
Had sex with someone in jail — £25
Made a nasty home video or took pictures — £15
Had a threesome — £50
Had sex in public — £20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex –£25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred quid– £20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — £20
Had sex with someone under the age accepted by rule of thumb (half your age plus 7) — £25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time– £50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — £25
Went streaking — £5
Went streaking in broad daylight — £15
Been arrested — £5
Spent time in jail — £15
Pissed in the pool — £0.50
Played spin the bottle — £5
Done something you regret — £20
Had sex with your best friend — £20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — £25
Had anal sex — £80
Lied to your mate — £5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — £25

My ‘fine’ was £715.00. (I’ve nothing to judge that against so I’m not sure whether it’s good or bad – I get the impression it’s bad)

Think of the fun you can having using make-believe penalties and mathematics to calculate just how much of a deviant you are….

I await more results with baited breath.

I need to get something to write about.

I’d write about wacky and zany internet findings, but my new pals The Mad Hatters do so in a much more humorous manner than I could. I’d post a wide range of informative and interesting posts like Delicate Flower but I’d again only be a distant second in terms of quality. Perhaps trash some annoying motherfucker in my office? Damn your eyes, DeathinFrance for beating me to the punch. Ok, so I guess I point out the faults of today’s youth and much hilarity will ensue. Nah, that would just make me sound like some Crabby Old Fart.

Those are the standards I aspire to, along with many more you’ll find on my blog-roll.

Like I say in my title, I’m just another fucking observer and that’s going to be my niche – the fact that I’m not going to have one. I’m going to be the guy writing about his boring-ass life as well as the whatever curiosities my be fluttering around my cerebral at any given time and I like the idea. I can be serious, emotional, stupid and fucked up. I can be whatever the hell I please. Even now whilst I’m just rattling on about nothing in particular I feel I have given my blog its own direction in the fact it has none. It’s just bullshit and mainly arbitrary but that’s it’s new found glory in my eyes – it’s just like me.

So J.A.F.O finally has a little bit of an audience (I thank all you good people who have taken the time from your far superior blogs to comment on mine) and it has it’s self a purpose.  I guess the main purpose of this post now I think was nothing more than just my way of showing appreciation to those of you out there in the realms of cyber-space who have made me enjoy blogging again, even to the extent I just write shit when I have nothing to say.

Good times.

In my headphones:

• Southside (Pete Heller’s Dark-Lane Vocal Mix) by Moby
• Black and Blue by Miike Snow
• You’re in Shambles by Del The Funky Homosapien
• Three Little Birdies Down Beats by The Chemical Brothers
• Outrun by Thomas Bangalter

I’m not really a Boxing fan, but over the past few days I’ve been seeing a lot of the build-up for the fight between David Haye and Nikolai Valuev.

I’ve come to the conclusion that David Haye is either incredibly gifted and sure enough of his ability to take on such an intimidating opponent or he’s the dumbest motherfucker on earth who’s too cocky for his own good and is going to have his  head (and those poncy fucking sunglasses hopefully) taken off in front of the whole world. All through the pre-fight discussions I’ve seen Valuev remain quiet and dignified whilst Haye has shot his mouth off and showed himself to be a bit of a prick – you just know his entrance into the ring is going to be a hugely over-blown spectacle. Whilst I won’t be shelling out any of my hard-earned pounds just to watch, I do find myself getting really interested in the outcome and rooting for Valuev to put one of his monstrous fists into Haye’s constantly open mouth and shut him up.

I get the impression I won’t be the only one.

Just a little update – something more considerable will follow when I can get a spare moment.

Commando

Contains arguably the finest depiction of villainy ever commited to celluloid – Vernon Wells is astonishing as the diabolical, Bennett.

I just came across something online I found astonishing.

There was a young man on a website who had posted a complaint about his girlfriend and the fact she had dumped him because he wasn’t like Edward Cullen of Twilight fame.

What the fuck happened to the world?

What exactly does she expect? Does she now need any potential suitor to have a permanently repressed desire to drink her blood and sparkle when sunlight hits them? (Really, sparkle – what happened to Vampire folk law? I’m sure sunlight should make them explode, but we can’t have Edward Cullen exploding and causing an entire generation of brainless teenage girls to piss their pants in one singular moment).

I’ve made no secret of the fact I thought Twilight was unremarkable shit (go watch 30 Days Of Night – that’s a Vampire flick) and that Robert Pattinson has all the acting skill of a recently soiled pair of under-garments - sure, the dude is bloody good-looking but unfortunately for him it’s the only talent he appears to have. Has the world gone mad when something so insipid can inspire a generation of impressionable girls to judge their partners on a fictional character?

I hope this doesn’t extend itself to my generation or girls in their mid/late 20’s will start expecting me to have super-human strength and speed and to be at odds with a family of Werewolves.

It’s the equivalent of me dumping a girl because she isn’t like Trinity and can’t perform gravity-defying martial arts.

Has anyone noticed that the line between what is considered stereotypical behaviour for men or women is a lot more blurred these days? If you go by what is considered ‘traditional’ then women enjoy girly pursuits like shopping or having a good gossip and men opt for the more rugged type of activity such as drinking or playing sport.  Those are the basic standards I guess.

My little observation for today is that it does seem all the more common place nowadays for that standard to not exist at all. Look the current trend of ‘Ladettes’ - mouthy, gobshite bitches who do what is generally considered a guy thing. They drink, get into fights and fuck anything of legal age wearing a pair of trousers – hence they are dubbed ‘Ladettes’. The flip side to that is the so-called ‘Metro-sexual’ man – a guy able to express his feelings, takes an age getting his appearance right and enjoys shopping and fashion. Standard dictates that these are female traits.

Standard? Doesn’t exist anymore, does it?

Okay, sure there are a large amount of guy’s guys and girl’s girls out there, but the line seems to be s distant memory. So here’s my views:

I am not against female liberation and nor do I believe that a women’s place is in the kitchen or any of that shit. I want to make that abundantly clear first of all – women should be free to do whatever they please and should be judged equally. Of that there is no debate. I just fucking despise Ladettes.

I have to be honest here. I don’t think there is anything less attractive than girls who behave in the stereotypically manly way. Pint-swilling, constantly swearing, hoodie and jean wearing, short-haired, goby nasty hag-ass bitches with the aggression levels of an angry Gorilla and the femininity of a Ford Mustang. Call me what you want, but I love traditional girls – think Penelope Cruz, Audrey Hepburn or Bette Davis. Strong attractive feminine girls.

I’m sure I’m not alone. (Essentially this post has nothing informative to say, and it’s just an excuse to trash a group of people that I don’t like – but. fuck ‘em)

In my headphones:

• Rene by Pryda
• Go Upstairs by Soul Mekanik
• Everybody by Rudenko
• 7 Deejays by BDP

I’ve had a few jobs over the years, and whilst I’ve only ever worked as a Chef, I imagine that all workplaces suffer the same lows and enjoy similar highs. You meet a lot of interesting people in the kind of enviroment I work in. Over the years I’ve made some really great friends, had some really good relationships and some breathtakingly appalling ones.

There is something really special about a Kitchen. People show you who they really are when you slap pressure on top of them Some of them thrive on it and it brings the best out of them, others crumble and turn into a complete mess at first but find the strength to overcome it in time. Others just explode. Most of all today I noticed……

• ### Right, I have to stop this post for a moment because I’ve just witnessed the newest Ferrero Roche advert. Who in the name of all that is holy writes this shit? It’s the most ear-shreddingly awful crap I’ve had the misfortune and terror to ever cast my gaze upon. The one where the ambassador spoils his guest with the supposed luxury of what looks like a spherical turd was bad, but this goes beyond atrocious and into an as-yet un-named category of fucking woeful. It won’t tell the details, but fuck me…###

Sorry about that.

Right, where was I? Oh, yeah what I noticed today.

Today I noticed that everything seems to work in groups. People of a certain social persuasion seem to flock together and form groups that isolate them from the other groups. Me, I like to mingle with all the groups. Trouble arises when you agree with one group whilst the disagreeing party expects your allegiance. Regardless of much you try to remain neutral you find your self having to upset someone. It’s a pain in the arse. Maybe you’re better of being in a group as opposed to being the friendly outsider, maybe. But I’m not that kind of guy.

That’s what I saw today, who knows what tomorrow brings;- adventure, excitement? A humble blogger needs not these things.

Until the next time, folks.

In my headphones:

• Around the World by Daft Punk.
• Bossy (Alan Braxe and Fred Falke remix) by Kelis
• Phia by Metro Area
• Eye of the Battle by Circulous

I had 5 visitors to my site today. Fucking heartbreaking, isn’t it?

This got me to thinking about how I can actively seek ways to promote my blog and get myself a few more readers, and a few that return on a regular basis. I could start with having something to say instead of rambling, but those posts are in me and they’ll start appearing over time. I guess since I had a re-hash of things there isn’t as much content for people to stumble across and read, so perhaps this is just a little teething problem – although my previous blog (Damn it, I did say I wouldn’t mention it again) wasn’t exactly the most prolific. It averaged around 25-40 views a day.

So I started thinking about a way to change this. I could pester my friends, but I’ve already tried that and another idea I had been to start using post titles that really stand out. The silliest idea I’ve conjured is one that I’ll be attempting with this post – tagging it with as many sexual tags as I kind think of. Okay, this won’t bring me any readers, but I am curious to see whether or not it will bring results.

So I’m going to throw this open to the floor, is there anyone out there who could give me a few pointers on how to create a site that get more viewers? A few pointers would be much appreciated.

Now lets see how that pervert tag experiment works…

Wooooooooooo, scary.

That’s about all I have to say on the subject, but I thought it couldn’t hurt to get into the spirit of things. I may even get myself a costume and head off into the dark of the night to obtain sweeties. Maybe not.

Much like my previous post, I am still pretty much blocked in more than one respect, but I want plough through any such difficulties and put some words down on paper (or the screen).  My last post was a bit asinine and was cut down in its prime before I could really plunge into the realms of  the pointless. This one is fast heading in the same direction.

I’m talking shit again….

Right, shut up and focus.

Today was my day off from work and I’ve started to realise that having a significant other is something I actually am starting to miss. It’s been a fair few months since I was last seeing someone, and whilst that did prove a little disastrous, I am beginning missing all the little intimacies that go with having a girlfriend. I miss just chilling (I could happily kill anyone who refers to this as ‘chillaxing’) at my place and cuddling up to watch a movie or spending the day out together just ambling about. Sure, there is a hell of a lot of things that being single does let me enjoy – meaningless sex for example – but I’m 31 now and all that shit seems to have somehow come to appear tedious and without purpose. It is still fucking enjoyable though…

I guess I’d like to meet someone, someone a bit kooky and with a sense of fun. Other than that I don’t really have any set criteria. A few posts back I sat down and thought about what I look for in a girl, but making such a list made me more aware of how much it’s best to view people you meet with an open mind – you’ve a much larger chance of meeting someone you like if you’re not bogged down by ill-advised parameters or set criteria. You’ll just end up not giving people a chance.  I’ve always been a firm believer in the statement “you’ll meet someone when you least expect it” and that’s the way I expect this to go. It may be a fair while until I do cross paths with a girl who clicks my buttons and rocks my world, so I’ll stop worrying about until that day comes and then I’ll bore the fuck out of all and sundry with some posts about it.

Until that day.

In my headphones:

• Music’s My Love by Crazy P
• Smash It by Fuzz Townsend
• Testing by Subway