Twilight.
I thought I’d start my upcoming selection of film reviews with my most recent trip to that haven of escapism you and I call the Cinema. Twilight isn’t ordinarily the type of film I’d shell out my hard-earned pounds on, but after hearing my girlfriends protests I gave in and decided to give it a shot.
The story is interesting enough, it centres around young Issabella Swan (Kristen Stewart) and her move to the small, idyllic town of Forks to live with her father. After settling into the most painfully cliched High School ever committed to celluloid (Why the fuck are all the kids always driving top of the range cars, perfectly groomed and flanked by a stereotypical comedy Asian character?) she encounters the Cullen family, and specifically dashing Edward (Robert Pattinson). After a good half an hour of smouldering and general moodiness from Edward the plot reveals he has superhuman strength and the ability to stop an oncoming 4X4. In short, Edward is a Vampire. The concept of a love story between mere mortal and member of the undead has lots of potential, and just when the film could of started getting good, it takes a nose-dive into absolute drivel. The plot becomes predictable, tired and I never really felt Issabella was in any jeopardy dating a Vampire. Also, any Vampire laws you may think solid are altered beyond recognition. In this world they sparkle like diamonds in the sunshine instead of immediately exploding and as long as it’s overcast, they can walk around in the day time. We also get to meet the Cullens – cinema’s first nice Vampire family who only eat animals (They think of themselves as vegetarians – oh my splitting sides) but also welcome humans into their lives, knowing full well it’s a bloody stupid idea. The main problem however, was the acting. Not since The Specialist have I witnessed two lead characters act so woodenly and with so little chemistry. Robert Pattinson’s good looks will no doubt have teenage girls the world over dousing their draws, but he shows all the acting talent of a recently soiled Nappy here, and Kristen Stewart, so promising in Panic Room, seems not bothered at all. Twilight literally made me laugh in all the wrong places, so clunky and forced was it’s dialogue and sentiment. Visually it’s fairly standard stuff, nothing flashy or distracting, but nothing that would stick in your mind afterwards either.
To sum things up, Twilight is not the worst film I’ve ever sat through, but it was so painfully badly acted and unremarkable that I felt as if I’d just escaped from Alcatraz when it’s 2 hour running time was up. If you want to watch a good Vampire flick, go get yourself 30 Days Of Night, and if you like romance then go watch something where the leads can act.
J.A.F.O Rating – 2/10.
