I’m tired, so I’ll keep this short.

I am, I’m bloody knackered. I think it’s mainly due to my current ‘No Caffeine’ regime – a small step on the way to a healthier me. Caffeine has now been replaced to the crack-like addictiveness that is the Innocent Smoothie. There must be a secret ingredient in those things as I can’t get enough of them, even as I write this I’m sporting a Smoothie beard from overly fast consumption. Anyways, in the now-customary list form, here’s a few things of interest to me today:

• It’s absolutely brilliant fun to throw grenades of burning paper into a lavatory cubicle whilst a friend is doing his business. Whilst Chris audibly struggled with the process of dropping a bowel bomb, I threw a burning roll of toilet paper through the door, scorching the hair on his leg. I was highly amused, he wasn’t.
• Apocalypse Now is still my favourite war movie of all time. Film4 was showing it tonight, and watching an hour or so reminded me of it’s sheer power. I’ve never experienced anything remotely like war, but I imagine it contains the type of total madness so brilliantly encapsulated in Francis Ford Coppola’s flick. The scene where the crew of the boat gun down an innocent Vietnamese crew after searching their vessel gets me every time- notably Martin Sheen’s performance and his stoic delivery of dialogue before executing a dying woman in cold blood just to preserve the efficiency of his mission.
• I hate to watch my friends cry. I’m bloody useless when it comes to being compassionate – I’m the arsehole making stupid jokes in a pitiful attempt to inject a little levity into things. Liv had a bit of a cry today, she was (again) singled out for blame by her superiors, not for actual performance by all accounts, more a question of chauvinism popping its ugly head up. She’s a great girl who doesn’t deserve that kind of shit, and I wish I could of done a better job of consoling her. Luckily there were more qualified members of staff around to aid her, leaving me to resort to my usual buffoon tactics. With regard to the cause of her anguish; well, as I like to say of people who annoy me: “Fuck ‘em, and everyone who looks like ‘em”.

That was the days main events in all their dubious glory. I know it’s not exactly the most fascinating or enlightening of reads, but fuck it; I am tried…