Just Another Fucking Observer

Imagine the scene: you’re relaxing at home on a quiet afternoon when the television switches from normal programming to break an urgent news story: Zombies are appearing in all the major cities and all hell is breaking loose. What would you do? Would you have the sufficient knowledge enabling you to counter any attacks and lead your loved ones and friends to safety whilst avoiding contamination yourself? Just Another Fucking Observer is here to ensure that the rising of the un-dead does not end in catastrophe for the ill-prepared. In the listed easy-to-follow steps, you’ll have all the information you need in order to survive, and hopefully secure the future of mankind in it’s darkest hour.

Zombie Bastards!! They’ll be looking to feast on your brains.

#1: Research. It pays to know your enemy, so if you’ve never watched a Zombie movie - now would be a good time to start. Familiarise yourself with the capabilities of the average Zombie - this can vary from flick to flick, so always opt for the ‘worst case scenario’ For example: The Zombies in George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead do not possess a great deal of speed when in pursuit, however in the remake of the same name, they come charging out of left-field with an alarming velocity. Assume that the actual Zombies hungry for your blood will be able to reach the same speeds when they have your scent in their nostrils. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

#2: Arm Yourself.If the event of having to fight your way through hordes of Zombies arises, then you’ll want to be carrying a sufficient arsenal of weapons to get the job done. The key point is practicality; if you’re a feeble elderly lady, then don’t wield a heavy axe, perhaps opt instead for an umbrella or hefty purse. Bus tokens or Digestive Biscuits are not lethal to the un-dead, so there’s no need to bring any. Utilise all household items such as spades, pitch forks and kitchen knives. Ensure that you only use the weapons as a matter of self defense - don’t go hunting Zombies down for kicks or the pursuit of a greater victory. The chances are you’ll be greatly outnumbered this way and you’ll succumb to the flesh eating monsters, soon becoming one of their ever-increasing army yourself - then you’ll be no use to anyone. The research segment should also have taught you how to effectively dispatch a Zombie: Remove the head and destroy the brain, other than that aim for the legs to disable their mobility.

#3: Find Survivors and Stick Together. Safety in numbers. Choose your travelling companions wisely. Family and friends are a natural choice, and one that should be adhered to only if it’s practical. If your Uncle Trevor refuses to leave his poorly-constructed caravan for a safer resort after a long time spent trying to persuade him otherwise: leave him the fuck there. Avoid any shifty characters from the military, biological science and at all costs avoid a token member of the ethnic community: Zombies flicks will teach you there are as good as dead and in the worst way imaginable.

#4: Be Ruthless. This could be the most important lesson of all. You have to be ruthless if you want to survive. Once infected by another Zombie, it doesn’t matter if the person in question is the greatest love of your life; you have to put them down for the good of the group. Luckily Zombie flicks will teach you that any friend or love interest will be able to withstand infection for an extraordinarily long time, whilst anyone else turns immediately. This should enable them to perform an incredible act of heroism before you eventually have to shoot them in the head, but you must shoot them with no hesitation.

#5 Find a safe building/mode of transportation. With Zombies about, you won’t be able to stay around any large cities or residential areas, so you’ll have to head out of town to safety. Firstly a secure mode of transportation should be found - A Fiat Uno will not help, so aim for something large and preferably armoured. The veichle should carry adequate weight to plow through the Zombie masses without losing too much speed. Height from the road is also an essential criteria, thus preventing any Zombies from climbing onto the sides, and eventually into the veichle. Once out of the city/residential area you should find a large, old building of some description in the countryside. The building should have ample surrounding grounds and vantage points to see and repell any Zombie attacks. The size of the building should also ensure a fair amount of supplies.

Following these key points will be integral to the survival of not only you, but those you will be leading into the future with your newly-acquired skills. Once the cities have been cleared by trained military personel and the infestation is over, the population will have decreased to the point of global crisis. As a surviving member of the human race it will be your duty to procreate for the good of mankind. Good luck boys and girls, and I’ll see you with a bat in my hand fighting off the Zombie bastards.