The Watcher.

Things just ain’t the same fo Gangsta’s…….

Okay, I’m not Dr. Dre but I thought it was a humorous way to start things. The real purpose behind the posts title – other than my woeful attempt at a hip-hop tie-in and the hilarity that ensues – is to write about the things I observe from simply watching.

Let’s take things that happen in the movies.

Recently I watched the acclaimed, ‘Closer’. In the film there is a scene with Julia Roberts taking some photos of failed writer, Jude Law. The pair casually flirt and I assume that they are not that well-known to one another. Jude Law then utters the line ‘Come here’ and of course the delightful Ms. Roberts saunters over and they engage in some mild petting. This got me to thinking what the outcome would be were I to try the same thing in my personal life. I’m fairly certain that it would involve the phrase ‘fuck off’ and a generous dose of pepper spray and/or a kick into the jewels. Movies constantly provide us with scenarios that we would just love to be true, and even though in our hearts we know that it isn’t likely, it remains a welcome distraction we chose to believe in because it represents a version of how things could be. Make it would work if I tried it in a charming, ironic kind of way.

I would say that personally I’m something of an aloof character. Watching others over the years have really made me appreciate myself. A lot of people have lamented the way I am. I regularly get called immature, wasteful or irresponsible and I’d be the first to admit that those are all true. However, I don’t any longer view myself against what I call ‘The Invisible Standard’. This is a set criteria for what people should do, and they things they should accomplish that’s drummed into people.. It’s also something I loathe. I’d rather be a happy fuck-up than a miserable success.  Besides, I judge success in life only on happiness. Anything else, whether it be monetary, career based or perception, is simply just extraneous as far as I’m concerned. A lot of people I know live their lives solely by how what they accomplish will be perceived by their peers. Why? It’s so fucking pointless to me. A friend of mine recently told me that a girl he knows once told him “I’ve never done anything without people telling me I should first”.

That is comfortably the single-most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that watching people out there scramble for the things they feel they should covet seems futile and ill-advised. I like my life, I like being me and I like not really knowing why I do things or for what reason. I just enjoy the fun of doing them I like to live in my own dream world because, like the movies, it’s my own version of the way I’d like things to be.

Christmas Madness.

Christmas in the Catering industry is fucking bedlam.

Ordinarily my working life does take up a lot of my time – due the the nature of the unsocianle hours and duration required – but the moment you hit December all and sundry start showing up for their office/workplace parties and make my life a royal pain in the arse. The last few weeks have been unusually busy and hectic. I’ve found myself working 16 hours a day and whilst I appreciate the overtime pay, I lose the time I put aside to enjoy my little hobbies.

Blogging unfortunatley has been paramount amongst those affected.

That’s the explanations aside. Tomorrow I’ll post something substantial, but first I’m off to read around the sites I enjoy.

Christmas shopping.

I don’t get too many weekends to myself on account of working and various other social commitments and in my infinite wisdom I decided to use my most recent opportunity to attempt some festive guft buying.

Mistake.

It’s actually been a fair while since I hit the shops during December on a weekend and it’s safe to last yesterday will be my last – I normally shop late at night – for quite some time. It’s just insane beyond belief. It took me over an hour to complete a journey into Bristol that ordinarily takes only 10 minutes and another 15 on top of that to find a parking space. This however, was the least of my troubles. Once you hit the shops you are confronting the seemingly endless hordes of vacant zombies aimlessly shambling from place to place in the vain hope of stumbling across the bargain of a lifetime. And here all so fucking ignorant to boot.

People in crowds have the charm of a persistent coprophiliac.

Stay well clear of you local shopping centres over the weekend. Safe yourselves, folks.

Love/Insanity.

Anyone ever noticed that the pattern of love runs a remarkable parallel with the pattern of insanity?

I’ve known some of the most rational people imaginable turn into spectacularly moronic and ill-tempered individuals and all down to the ‘L’ word. A friend of mine is the type of guy, who in his younger and more prolific days, was quick to obey the sacred ‘Three F’s’ – Find ‘em, Fuck ‘em and Flee. He was quick to give a cold-shoulder to anyone the moment they even appeared to be becoming close or exuding emotions. Nothing seemed to bother him and he was blissfully unaware of the trail of devastation, broken hearts and dishonesty he left in his wake. Regardless of being in a relationship he was quick to grab hold of each and every opportunity that presented itself to him with a huge fucking smile and a bloated sense of achievement.

Then one day he let his guard down.

Sure enough he met someone who blew him away and the veneer of machismo he hid behind for so long was shattered as if it were a dividing wall in Berlin. He fell in love and he fell pretty damn hard too. Gone was the posturing, gone was the ‘bad-boy’ image and gone was the philandering. These not-so-noble traits were quickly replaced with their more virtuous opposites and he became an honest, caring and faithful guy and one that gave serious consideration to both settling down and marriage – conversation points that acted as kyrptonite to the same guy a few years ago and would invariably result in him running through the nearest door without stopping to open it first. 

 I’m sure it doesn’t take only the great deductive minds amongst you to guess what’s coming  next.

Yep, you got it folks; the poor fucker got dumped and he brought forth the insane behaviour. The normally ice-cold Lothario was now a blubbering excuse of a man, sobbing at any given moment, writing lengthy letters and begging for that elusive ’second chance’. He doggedly persued her at every opportunity and went to severe extets to hurt her feelings for the pain she caused, only to apologise and declare his love as quickly. His mind was unable to focus on anything other than his misery he become reclusive and unapproachable. My mother always told me that you ‘reap what you sow’ in life and perhaps there is no finer example of this than what happened to a friend of mine.

Goes to show that love makes you crazy.

Here’s a little treat for you music lovers: ‘Justice’ are a brilliant act from France and their remix of MGMT’s ‘Electric Feel’ is my favourite break-up tune. It’s a love song, but a screaming French electro one that rocks my world and encapsulates both the affection and anger you feel – if your computer is hooked up to a good sound system, then play this as loud as you can.

Camping.

I’m sure I should take a bit more time to write about the things that interest me, but for the time being I’m going to plod along with whatever enters my head – regardless of what type of post it’s going to be.

The great outdoors.. Oh, fuck off.

Today I was reminded of camping by the torrential downpour I was subjected to walking back to my brother’s house from the pub we had just had our Sunday lunch in.

I fucking loathe camping.

It’s customary for my friends and I to plan a camping trip over the summer months and whilst I do my best to enjoy it – this rarely lasts more than a day – I invariably find myself pondering the same question; what the fuck is the point? You find a place with the type of amenities that would shame a third world country, erect a tent that would barely withstand a cat passing wind 20 metres away and sit outside in the cold eating food covered in twigs and all kinds of shit whilst simultaneously fighting away an onslaught of flying critters. And you have tp pay for this supposed ‘pleasure’ – a pleasure that also goes hand-in-hand with having no fun, primarily because such a pursuit appears to have been outlawed at most campsites in the U.K by moaning individuals who have gone on holiday so they can be in bed by 9pm and can’t be disturbed by even the slightest noise.  My friends always enjoy camping, whilst I just feel obliged to go and have to spend the majority of the time thinking new and more believable excuses for me to leave. Utmost in my fury though is that there is always the same person there, the ‘outdoors-ie’ type – the kind of guy who feels he isn’t truly a man until he has conquered all mother nature has to offer.  If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d go next summer just to shoot him dead and bury him in a field the moment he suggest we all must climb a tree at 3am in the pitch dark.

I love the great outdoors as much as the next guy, but I’d sooner not waste my time sleeping in it when I have a perfectly comfortable bed at home where I don’t have to use my shoes as a fucking pillow. I’d rather go on holiday and enjoy myself, go out on the town or see the sights in a new place – that’s fun, and you also have the added bonus of having a nice room to go back to.

Facts.

They say that you learn something new every day.

I though I’d make my update today a case of sharing with my regulars (feels kind of good to say that – for the first time in 3 years of blogging there is actually a group of people who regularly stop by) a few of the choice things from my life’s experiences that I consider to be written in tablets of stone. I’m not one for rules or the constraints of acceptable social behaviour, but even someone as motor-mouthed as I can be must concede that there are certain extents to which you do not go. Well, it really all depends on your company.  Over the past few years I’ve developed a sense of humour for the way things are phrased, said or done. I do tend to laugh at some utterly retarded things more often than not, but hey.. the world would be one boring-ass place if we all were the same.

Here’s a few facts:

• The word ‘Vagina’ should never be preceded by either the word ‘oozing’ or ’seeping’
• Sending E-Mails from your friends work account to higher members of the establishment asking for soothing ointment for nipple rash will only get you into trouble.
• Never explain what ‘Tea-bagging’ means to an office that consists primarily of women.
• Some people were born without a sense of humour. Learn who they are before making fun of them
• Do not discuss in great depth the consistency of the cat vomit you discovered at home whilst people are enjoying their lunch.
• Only make jokes if you can take them back.
• Quoting the line “They mostly come at night… mostly” from the film, ‘Aliens’ is always funny.
• Stories about ‘danger-wanks’ are always funny.
• Racist jokes are never funny.
• Shockingly offensive pelvic gyrating dance moves during an elderly persons wedding are always funny.
• The word ‘cake’, whilst seemingly innocuous, is always funny. This rule applies to the word ‘jam’ – Eddie Izzard is to blame for such hilarity.
• Don’t ever look at porn at work. Ever.
• Putting chilli sauce into someone’s tea and seeing it make them shit so badly their arse bled is bloody funny, even if they think it’s not.
• Professionalism is fucking annoying and boring.
• Never grow up. Ever

Those are just a few of my silly little facts. Hope you enjoy them. One last thing; for those of you who enjoyed the last song I posted, here’s my personal favourite by ‘Pryda’ – the brilliant, Odyssey;

Think about it (not too much though).

Delicate Flower’s site has the post ‘Without thinking too much’  and it’s basically a list of things that define you. She borrowed the idea herself from a blogging friend and I wanted to have a shot at it myself. I thought it really was a good idea (the credit for the idea should go to the two I mentioned as I would of thought of something far more idiotic had the idea popped into my head) so I gave it a moments thought and jusy fired out my answers as quickly as they came to me. 

Here’s the results:

Saying no to:

Smoking

Bickering

Saying yes to:

Watching movies until late

Dancing

Laughing at the most inane of things

Giddy about:

Penelope Cruz

Autumn

Electronica

Scared of:

Spiders

Women with big hands

Depression

Inspired by:

Thomas Bangalter

Cinema

My Mother

Obsessed about:

Films

Music

The perfect practical joke

In love with:

Uncertainty

Those moments of inner-peace

The still of the night

Haunted by:

Irreversible (Gaspar Noe’s film)

My Father’s death

Regret

Saved by:

Imagination

Love

Friends

Relaxation therapy.

Some days at work have me at the point of drooling madness. The vast majority of the time I manage to walk around with my head in the clouds totally oblivious to my surroundings. But today I felt like I could of quite happily set the place ablaze and watched the towering inferno that would ensue from a nice little vantage point I’d picked out for myself beforehand, all of which would have been done with a content smile upon my face.

Luckily enough for the owners of my workplace (and the people within) I had the foresight to bring my sweet salvation with me; – music. I am a bit of a dork in quite a few respects and especially so when it comes to both music and film. I love electronica and I find it really relaxing. Now, those of you that are not dance music enthusiasts will no doubt point to its repetitive beats as a source of great irritation, but it has a sort of metronome effect on me and calms my down when I find my usually cool exterior being compromised by the rage brewing underneath.

So I thought I’d post a little example of what I mean. Here’s ‘Balaton’ by Pryda – the song that saved a workplace in Bristol from going up in flames.

 

Soul mates.

When I’d finished writing my recent post about life in the office and I’d shut my laptop off, the conversation took a wild swerve away from the typically monotonous and headed towards the concept of love everlasting and soul mates. The office is mixed bunch of guys and girls and I all the people in there at the time agreed that they believe in such a concept. All except one… me.

Of course, for my opinions I was branded as a bitter, cold-hearted so-and-so, but it’s an opinion that I’ll stand by until I see some cast-iron fact that will back it up in any way, shape or form – something that very few people with whom I debate this point are actually able to produce.

"No, Billy-Bob was never my soul mate. You are."

I do believe in love. I do believe that there are people out there to whom you are suited and compatible. What I don’t believe is that there is one special human being out there in the vast, sprawling metropolis we call planet Earth that has been created just for you by a higher power and is your soul mate. Such a thing is just absurd.  I also believe that the person they all describe (their current ’squeezes’ at the time) is no more their perfect match than any of the millions upon millions of people that they have not and will never meet. It seems to me some people need to project upon others their relationship as faultless and wonderful so they just might be able to believe it themselves.

Circumstance dictates current partners in a way.

Think about it. Lets say you’re an average guy of 40 who has had 6 serious relationships – the 5 that came first ended and you married the 6th. Why? Is the 6th person your soul mates or is it a simple case of her being the person that came along at the correct time when you felt marriage was a viable option? Would you have felt the same way about any of the girls that preceded her had they come in a different order?

I’m not sure.

What I do know for certain is that to say there is one person out there who is perfect for you is utterly ridiculous. It’s total mathematical certitude that there is an abundance of people on the planet who are more suitable for you than the person you are currently in relations with. That cannot be disputed yet as people we are so blinded to that fact by a belief in something we just simply want to believe is true. Maybe getting into my thirties has turned me from naive day-dreamer to hard-nosed cynic and there is a lot of truth to that. The thing is I do like the concept of romantic love and the notion of soul mates. It’s just a shame that I know it’s not true.

Absence.

I’m having a bit of trouble getting online at the present – my home connection is fucked so I occasionally have a qucik snoop using a PC at work, but this doesn’t afford me the time to post amything considerable or comment in any depth.

It sucks.

I hope to be back in full-flow before long, so bare with me until then and excuse the crappy one-line comments and short posts.

I shall return.