Eden Hazard will NOT join Arsenal.

Good day to you, delicious peruser of this here blog of mine.

Amidst the petty squabbles and peculiar ‘AKB’ posturing that makes up the vast Goonerverse at the moment, a great deal of chatter has surrounded rumour of Eden Hazard’s imminent signing. I don’t pretend to not secretly hope we make such an investment; lord knows, it would be a great signal of intent and a pick-me-up for the club as a whole. I just simply to try and avoid the idle drivel and take the news reported from those in the know.

Like the good folks at Le Grove who had this and this to say about the wild speculation floating around Twitter like unflushable excrement, I know it’s utter unsubstantiated nonsense.

Let’s be honest here, what are the chances of Lille selling their best player to us with a few days left in the window, and us meeting the bloody enormous fee such a deal would command? There aren’t many.

If seen a few fleeting glimpses of the Belgian wonder-child in action, and I’ve heard the countless reports of how good he really is, so there isn’t a part of me that doesn’t wish I could believe it a possibility. In this climate of smaller clubs selling on to the wealthy for as much as they can get, I can’t see him going anywhere other than the big two in Spain, or Manchester City.

Arsene Wenger’s continued refusal to pay the big money for the big talent also comes into account. Our policy in the market has become more and more a frustration as time progresses, with “bargain basement” acquisitions and unknowns regularly favoured ahead of marquee unveilings of players. We opt to take a punt on Park, wait for Chamakh to be available for nothing and pay £1m for a right back with little or no experience. These aren’t bad moves, they aren’t examples of our manager’s continuing descent into egotistical madness, but they can’t be the transfer dealings of the 6/7th richest club in the world. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and compete with what’s happening around you, regardless of how much you may disagree. We don’t have to drastically change our original approach to buying players, our manager needs to understand that it doesn’t hurt to do a bit of both.

That’s about all that’s happening today, folks. Only Bendtner’s broken nose and the continuing trial of Redknapp make up the column inches at present and neither warrant much discussion – unless ‘Arry gets sent down for tax evasion. I’ll dedicate an entire post to how priceless and richly deserved that will be.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Take a moment to drop me a comment and pop over for great value entertainment on my Twitter account – @Puddleduck1978.

Wenger out! Sack the board! Murder the entire first team squad! Arsenal crisis!

Afternoon, you happy souls…

Sunday was a bitter, bitter disappointment, wasn’t it? Of course that question is entirely rhetorical.

The game was poor, with the exception of a select few, our performance was poor. Worst of all, worse than losing to bloody Manchester United is the current feeling I have of resignation; I figured we’d probably lose, and I don’t feel massively upset, aggrieved or hard done by the fact we did. I’m not the only Arsenal fan to profess such a curious state of mind.

But I can’t allow myself to be completely miserable and vitriolic toward the club I support. Like the boos and jeers that greated the substitution of The Ox, it’s only going to have a supremely detrimental effect on things in the long run.

Whilst Robin van Persie has spoken regarding the false claims of any rift between him and the boss, the choice to remove Chamberlain, arguably our best player, just after he’d set up the equaliser and with somebody as out of form as Arshavin still baffles me 3 days later.

Arsene himself has claimed The Ox had been previously ill and had fatigued , but I have to say I saw little or no evidence of this during the game. It is difficult the believe that someone as astute and aware as our manager would just take off our best player for no reason, but at the same time, I struggle see any proof to back up his claims. The thoroughly woeful Theo Walcott was the ideal candidate to be replaced, and if Wenger could see the deficiencies in Djourou’s play enough to remove him at the interval, why not Walcott’s? Theo was breathtakingly shit.

I think it’s simply a choice he made, and one that was incorrect. The worrying thing was the level of supporter unrest. The fans appear to be ready for blood and things could really go sour at the drop of a hat. At this point, we need both unity and stability between fans and players. Whilst supporters who pay good money to watch The Arsenal and have every right to voice concern and dismay, doing so having just equalised in an important game only had a bad influence on the team – especially the already disheartened Arshavin. Save your boos for the final whistle.

Let’s hope the FA Cup can offer a welcome distraction and give us all something to cheer about. And let’s not allow the controversy to overshadow just how good a performance Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain put it. That was a notable plus point, as was young Nico Yennaris.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Leave a few comments below and take a moment to follow my Twitter account @Puddleduck1978.

Chamberlain starts, Vermaelen doubtful; big game news

Just a quickie today folks, with a little news leading up to kick-off at 4pm.

Perhaps a little surprisingly, The Ox is set to be unleashed this afternoon. The rumour broke on Twitter and appears to have been confirmed by his teammates wishing him luck. It’s certainly a ballsy choice from Le Boss, but with the poor performances of late from those ahead of Chamberlain in the pecking order, it’s not altogether surprising.

The main grey area is the position he’ll be played. Most – me included – would pick Arshavin as the player to make way and give us the pace of Theo and Chamberlain down the flanks – The Ox is also more industrious than the diminutive Russain, and with our paucity of full-backs he could offer greater cover to the defence. Others think he could start in the advanced midfield role in front of Song and Ramsey, but I think that’s a lot less likely.

The bad news followed soon after with Thomas Vermaelen having a very late fitness test and looking almost certain not to be risked. Thierry Henry should make a place on the bench, but won’t be included from the start.

We’ll know for certain in a few hours. Enjoy the game from wherever you may be watching it today, and thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. There’s a comments section below for you to impress me with your knowledge, and my Twitter account is available for my ramblings throughout the game; @Puddleduck1978.

Update

It looks as if The Verminator has come through his tests and will start. Henry, however, misses out.

How we beat Manchester United.

Afternoon, boys and girls.

Tomorrow’s game is undoubtedly a hugely important one. We all remember that shambolic day in August where words like ‘humiliation’ and ‘woeful’ barely offered an apt description. To this day, I’ve been unable to watch even a second of the game itself. The club was in utter disarray. Things may not have improved greatly since, but they have improved. Players like Arteta – sadly missing from the team tomorrow – and Mertesacker have added to our stability and, until the injury demons struck, we were showing signs of looking like a quality side.

Worryingly, however, recent weeks have seen a regression in our play. Defeats at Swansea and Fulham have exposed the frailties of the squad once a few players are out of action – I shudder to think what an injury to Robin van Persie would do to us. Senior players like RvP have spoken about a need for revenge and the hunger in the squad to do so, but I feel in order to accomplish that we’ll need a different approach than to simply go out and play “the Arsenal way”. We have accept missing a recognised full-back will hamper the way we play, and it’s in those areas United will look to exploit us the most.

I think we should look to deploy the pressing game Swansea put to such good affect against us. We need to huddle, harass and get in their faces when we don’t have the ball. With news filtering around Twiiter regarding Thomas Vermaelen being fit for the game, I opt for a line up of:

Szczsney; Djourou, Koscielny, Mertesacker, Vermaelen; Song, Ramsey, Rosicky; Walcott, Arshavin; van Persie

I’d slightly give Rosicky the edge over Yossi Benayoun, and with Henry racing to be fit in time, we are looking to be a bit short on the bench, where Yossi tends to be more effective.

I’ll be watching the game at home tomorrow with high hopes of a great performance and win. Chelsea have just dropped points against Norwich, so 3 for us has become that little bit more vital.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Take a moment to comment with your own team selections and follow me on Twitter – @Puddleduck1978.

A case of the ‘Chamakhs’

Afternoon, folks.

Just as I’d gotten myself into a blogging groove, a temporary hiatus beckons. Without wanting to post anything self-indulgent, maudlin or wildly irrelevant to Arsenal, the reasons are simply my suffering of one or two personal problems.

With that, I shall be taking a break from updating my blog – a task that has begun to eat away at my time – until I’ve sufficiently dealt with the aforementioned strife. Like our imperious Moroccan striker, my head simply isn’t in the right place, and I’d hate to disappoint and expose myself to vitriol on account of sub-standard offerings.

I wanted to post today simply to offer, you, my beautiful reader, both an explanation and a huge dose of thanks. Yesterday saw The Armchair Gooner’s busiest day since it’s inception, amassing over 10.000 hits. If you’ve taken the time to read, comment or simply scoff with derision at what I’ve published, I thank you sincerely for taking the time.

I shall return.

In the meantime, please keep up to date with my news and views on Twitter – @Puddleduck1978.

Jack, Aaron, Mikel, Thomas, Andrey, Marouane and good news/bad news.

Afternoon, you wonderful people.

What customarily is referred to as “Spursday” has brought forth with it a mixed bag of news and updates from the club. Worryingly, Mikel Arteta looks set to continue his absence against United of Manchester – as yet unconfirmed, but the news has appeared on many of the reputable blogs. The Spaniard will be greatly missed; an intelligent, hard-working player who has been a very welcome addition to our midfield triumvirate. I’m actually an unabashed Arteta fan. His performances may not have the gloss and showmanship of others, but his influence on the team is immense. He’s a professional, first and foremost. When Song is darting upfield, his eyes glazed over with Rivaldo-fever, Arteta is the one filling in the holding role. He keeps possession, breaks down play with minimal fuss and generally keeps the team ticking over. Like Gilberto before him, his play is all the more conspicuous when he’s not there. He’ll be a big miss on Sunday.

Jack Wilshere has shocked the medical staff with his superhuman recovery from injury, and his eagerly anticipated return to action could be as little as three weeks away. Great news. Whilst Arteta is the glue that holds our midfield 3 together, I can’t help but feel we lack a bit of creativity at times. Ramsey (there’s a good post by Wrighty7 about the recent abuse he’s taken) has shown willingness, enthusiasm and the occasional glorious touch, but only Jack has an eye for the kind of killer pass we once relied on Fabregas for. The welcome onslaught of good news also has Thomas Vermaelen nearing full recovery and possibly being in contention for Sunday’s game – which I doubt is even remotely the case.

And that’s about the lot. As Sunday’s game gets closer, they’ll be greater confirmation on injuries, at the moment we only have strong rumour. This January has seen the single most tedious period of potential transfer I can recall. Nobody – even perennial big spenders, Manchester City – seems willing to either sell or part with the cash to recruit – least of all, The Arsenal. We can hope, we can dream, but in the end we’ll end up disappointed. We can also count on a further 6 months with Arshavin and Chamakh after representatives for both dismissed speculation of an exit. During their early careers, both showed excellent form. If they’re staying put, it certainly would be appreciated if they’d show us a bit more. Both have performed woefully below par for a considerable time. Correction; both have been an absolute shower of shit.

Thanks for having a read, you beautiful bastards. I truly love you all. YES, and YOU. Take a moment to pour your heart out in the comments and once you’ve done that, why not pop over and follow my Twitter page – @Puddleduck1978.

The bewlidering world of Theo Walcott.

Good evening, you sexually provocative bunch of rascals.

It’s one of those days today. I could be watching ‘El Clasico’, but the sight of Cesc gleefully exchanging passes with Messi whilst skipping about the pitch like a Rabbit in a meadow invariably fills me with resentment. Coupled with the fact it’s a game with petulance levels to rival a over-privileged kids primary school, I decided I’d sooner urinate incandescent razor blades. If there has ever been a larger collection of deplorable, irksome, whiney tits on a football field, I am yet to witness it.

Doing my rounds navigating all those wonderful news outlets across Goonerland, I came across on or two discussions regarding perpetual underachiever and king of the cross-cum-shot, Theo Walcott. At the beginning of the month, preliminary contract negotiations between Theo and the club opened. Walcott and van Persie’s contracts both end in the summer of 2013, and whilst we should throw everything from Vegas dancers to gold encrusted money at Robin, Theo’s alleged wage demands of £85k per week abhor me slightly. Our talismanic Dutchman’s performances and influence warrant a bumper wage increase, but do Walcott’s? I’m not so sure… No.. I’m absolutely certain they don’t.

Our No14 can be brilliant and unbelievably shit-awful in equal measure. When he performs, when his decision making is good; he can be a real handful for anyone. When his game is off, however, he can look like a rat scuttling about the kitchen after the light’s switched on. There have been moments this season where could of happily throttled him. The debacle at Old Trafford being paramount amongst the examples I could mention; he was bloody dreadful at Swansea, too.

And that’s my point regarding his contract. The numbers quoted are ridiculous. Until he can provide some level of consistency in his play (that isn’t bad), the club shouldn’t pay him a raise like that. He has to prove himself. I believe that underneath the frustration lies a player that’s can become a vital cog in the Arsenal machine, but that’s the same thing said at the beginning of the past 5 seasons. The time for Theo to act is now, and the club shouldn’t consider his contract until he has. Unlike Robin van Persie, he isn’t irreplaceable.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Take a moment to engage with me in the comment and follow my Twitter account – @Puddleduck1978.

We need a transfer. Why aren’t we getting one?

Howdy, ladies and gentleman.

News broke tonight of Newcastle’s success in signing Papiss Cisse for a reported £10m. It’s a good price for a talented and fairly prolific striker, and, worst of all, he was once flirting with the fringes of Arsene Wenger’s radar. At 26, he’s a couple of years away from his prime and he could form a decent partnership with the inform Demba Ba.

So I ask the question, why are we not entering the market? Well, I put it primarily down to the manager’s obtuse and egotistic nature. Chamakh and Park are far from capable deputies for Robin van Persie, but Wenger’s blind faith in his signings has a tendency to go too far; he refuses to accept defeat. You want proof? Look no further than the prolonged Arsenal careers of Denilson or Nicklas Bendtner – both of whom needed in excess of 200 first-team starts before they were deemed surplus to requirements.

Once upon a time, our record in the transfer market was admirable and the envy of many. Plucked from relative obscurity and for a pittance, the likes of Thierry Henry and Patrick Vieira went on to become world-class, trophy winning legends. Wenger had an eye for those hovering on the cusp of greatness. Then came his undoing: project youth. Whilst attempting to build a team around his search for talented youngsters, the transfer system he was once so accustomed to changed. What was ultimately an admirable, if slightly conceited, personal project, soon turned into a trophy-less failure.

Thankfully for us, the action we need to take is, in my humble opinion, far from drastic. There is no need for great overhaul or a ruthless culling of the inept – although, some do have to go. What I believe we need is 2 high-class additions. We need an alternative up front in the same class bracket as van Persie and we need a midfield dynamo that can inject some passion and drive. We have exceptional players returning; Wilshere, Sagna and Vermaelen are a loss any team would feel.

We have the starting point of an excellent side, we arguably possess the finest young player in European football. We just need our manager to see the faults and flaws that are so obvious.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Comment below; who do you think we should sign? Do you agree Wenger must change his stance?

Follow me on Twitter: @Puddleduck1978.

A day of transfer fantasy.

Afternoon/evening – or in the immortal words of Sheldon Cooper “prevening” – folks.

Today has been one of those days where it’s painfully bereft of news and interesting things for me to blather about. Thierry has spoken out and offered an apology to the Arsenal supporter he gave a dose of the verbals to. All a bit silly as far as I’m concerned, and if you’re going to shout your frustrations, a legitimate hero and club legend isn’t a particularly intelligent place to start. The fan in question received exactly what he deserved. It’s our right as supporters to be critical, but that right stops firmly at vitriolic chants and other such despicable acts. There has been far, far too much of that over the past few days.

Mostly, today has been all about transfer speculation, discussion and the resignation of knowing we probably won’t sign anyone unless they’re 17 and playing in an obscure league. Names brandished about today include Scott Dann *shudders*, Eden Hazard *dreams* and Christopher Samba *rolls eyes*. They’re just names to me; presumably available players linked to Arsenal for the sake of website hits or to fill column inches. It’s all hokey balderdash (I do love that phrase). The likelihood of either Cissokho or Abidal appears to have disappeared up the arse of those who broke the exclusive.

The single-most hilarious drivel I bared witness today was a story featured on Twitter about Arsenal signing Robin van Persie’s 5-year-old son as means of keeping him at the club. That’s not a joke, somebody actually offered serious debate on the matter. It did make me smile broadly when picturing the Arsenal board stooping to such levels to keep, undeniably, our prize asset. A few Gooners out there are either extremely bored and possess vivid imaginations, or they have terribly unreliable sources. Me thinks the former to be the most likely.

However, it’d not all doom and gloom. Supposedly, Monaco have made a firm enquiry for Sebastien Squillaci *crosses fingers, toes and testicles*. He’d certainly not be missed.

We shall see how things unfold, but I’d be willing to bet our business is done until the summer. For all the obvious deficiencies, that is a terrible shame.

Thanks for reading, commenting and taking the time to swoop on over to Twitter and become a follower – @Puddleduck1978.

PS.

If you’ve read this post and spotted many calamitous spelling blunders, please take a moment to consider I’m neglecting my duties at work at writing it on an iPhone – the autocorrect on which is a bloody nightmare.

**Insert a succession of profanity here**

Morning, happy campers…

Where to begin? Well, it’s fair to say the performance yesterday was nothing short of a shower of shit. Before I get into sharing the incandescent fury brewing within me, I’d like to offer a few words of praise for our conquerers Swansea; they performed magnificently and were worthy winners. They play the game in an admirable, technical manner and Brendan Rodgers has done a superb job getting them to where they are.

However, their excellence was perfectly offset by our floundering incompetence. I alluded to the fact whilst furiously tweeting that it’s not defeat that hurts, it’s the frequency and manner in which we lose. Yes, the penalty we conceded was an appalling decision, but it should have been an irrelevance. We have nobody to blame but ourselves, nothing to blame but our own short-comings. It’s easy to point fingers – as many have – at both individuals and the club collectively, but my assessment of our glaring deficiencies comes from a few places, but the single most contributing matter in my opinion is fear.

I don’t mean the players are afraid of putting in a performance, I believe there’s no repercussions for them to worry about if they don’t; there’s nobody in the vein of Tony Adams or Patrick Vieira screaming bloody murder at the youngsters if they’re ball-watching or wandering out of position. There wasn’t anyone on the pitch yesterday that could grab things by the scruff of the neck and shake the under-performers out of their current state of apathy. There was no fight, no desire to chase the ball down and lose blood before allowing a shot on goal. Swansea hassled and harried when they lost possession whilst we seemed happy to sit back and watch them have the ball. For years there’s been the same problem at Arsenal, for years it’s gone unsolved. The definition of stupidity is to make the same mistakes over and over and expect the outcome to be any different. Make no mistake, the club are making themselves look stupid.

Yes, we had a depleted side missing important players like Wilshere and Vermaelen, but football is a squad game and that can’t be an excuse. Who else in the Premiership capitulates under pressure with the regularity we do? Certainly none of the top sides. We have a nucleus of very talented footballers at the club, but we lack that one individual that’s prepared to die for the cause, the one player communicating and marshalling the troops when they’re under pressure. It’s no coincidence that our lack of silverware dried up since we last had such an individual.

The responsibility lies with Mr Wenger. Now, I’m no forlorn misery-guts who’s going to call for him to leave – those people and their knee-jerk reactions are foolish – but if ever there is a time for him to act, that time is now. The faults are there, they get exposed on a near-weekly basis. If we don’t take some time to seriously address our failings and act responsibly and accordingly, we run the risk of falling further behind in the league, losing out on the much-coveted 4th place and, worst of all, being unable to attract and keep world-class players.

These are most certainly troubling times. However bad that performance was yesterday, there was an immeasurably worse one from a few imbeciles claiming to be Gooners once the game was finished, Firstly, whoever shouted abuse at Thierry Henry (of all people) at the final whistle really needs an intervention from close friends and family. Secondly, and worst of all, was the utterly, utterly despicable vitriol aimed at Aaron Ramsey on Twitter. A few knuckle-headed morons made comments to him so disgusting I can’t bring myself to write them down. I’m sure the vast majority of Arsenal fans out there will be as quick to distance themselves from feculent scumbags like them as I am.

Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. The comments section is awaiting your thoughts. Please take a moment to follow me on Twitter – @Puddleduck1978