Where Have I Been?

It’s been a while good folks of cyber-space. I did make a somewhat dubious promise to myself that I would make an attempt to keep the updating of my Blog as regular as possible and I’ve done nothing of the sort. Reasons? Well, there’s quite a few but mainly because I’ve been really busy the last few weeks. In those weeks I’ve been out and about and thoroughly enjoying myself in what little summer-time good weather we get here in the sunny ol’ U.K. I’ve taken my enthusiasm for Golf onto new boundaries and now partake regularly. I’ve also managed to rediscover my love for music and I’m currently back day-dreaming about taking my laptop filled with essential tunes to the nearest Bar or small public house that could endure an evening of music played by me – that’s just one of my favourite little pipe dreams. I’ve always loved the thought of being the person to provide that incredible euphoria that comes from good music. Nothing on Earth has ever provided me with such an over-whelming sense of pure joy than the feeling you get when a song you truly love sends a dance-floor into absolute pandemonium – it’s still the best feeling I’ve experienced in my life. If the music I played affected other people in the same manner it does me then I’d become a God.

The main thing I’m going to talk about is “drinkers amnesia”. A few weeks ago I went out into Cardiff centre. It wasn’t a huge party or any sort of plan that involved a large group of people and had a great deal of planning. It was just my friend, Chris and I and I only went on account of him pestering me persistantly to do so. I’ve always said that the best nights out you’ll ever have are the ones you didn’t really want to go to in the first places. That statement has never rung more truthfully than it does here. I had an absolute blast. It’s been a while since I can say I’ve been myself, since I wasn’t being bogged down by some form of worry or trouble, but finally that all seems to be past me. It showed as I was a different person to my normal self. I was fun, bubbly and confident. I talked to girls that were stunning and I actually managed to get somewhere. I charmed the pants of them, I was showered with kisses and hugs. I’m not the type of person that likes to brag – I even feels oddly uncomfortable writing this – but it was a real boost to see that with confidence my personality comes shining through and I’m actually a lot more attractive to the opposite sex. Now comes the amnesia part, I was so happy and enjoying myself that I drank Vodka and Red Bull as if it were H20 – a huge mistake as the last 3 hours of that evening were erased from my memory. I recall the odd, tiny little detail. I came home wearing someone’s devil horns and I nearly blinded Chris with a set of comedy glasses. I obtained 2 phone numbers from girls I can’t remember at all and I’m pretty certain I was escorted from the female toilets – although I’m not sure why or what I was doing in there. To top it all though, I kissed pretty girls. Yeah, motherfuckers – I was a Pimp. It’s just a pity I don’t remember it all.

So, that’s a little update. I hope my readers are still out there and I hope you guys are all well. I’ll be back more often now.

What I’m listening to whilst writing: Odyssey by Pryda.

The Dating game.

The dating game isn’t my forte. The picture I’ve included in this post is one of me. Now I know I’m no Chad Michael Murray or any of your young girl’s pin-up/fantasy figures, but I’m not the most horrifyingly deformed person you’ll ever meet – everything is where it should be and I have all my limbs intact. Trouble is I have no confidence in myself when it comes to attracting members of the opposite sex to such and extent I find that the relationships I do end up in are with the people I know I can get as opposed to the one I really would like to pursue. I take the easy option, I end up bored and self-destructive and as soon as that makes them leave I end up wanting them back because of being rejected, even if I know damn well I don’t want it and it wouldn’t ever work. My love life has pretty much followed that same pitiful pattern throughout its tenure.

Recently I’ve been thinking about the way things have gone for me in affairs of the heart quite a bit. Most of what I’ve posted has been dependent upon the mood I was in at the time , but this post I’m writing just for the sake of perhaps finding a bit of solace out there from any female readers of my blog as I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t understand women in the slightest and I could very well be a complete fucking idiot. A little theory I’ve always had is that the best advice you’ll ever get about relations is to ask someone who is a relative stranger to you and of the opposite gender to the one you covet. I find that it’s the best way to gain impartial advice and a stranger will rarely tell you what they think you want to hear.

So what’s my problem? Well it’s painfully simple – I find it incredibly hard to approach any girl that I find myself extremely attracted to. I can shoot the shit and charm the pants of girls if they don’t blow my socks off better than most people I know, but the second I meet someone I really like I start to allow my mind to be clouded by the thought that I’m not good enough and they’d never go out with me in a million years. All women/girls have a ‘look’ – a look that they give men when they couldn’t be any less interested. People like me know that look from across a crowded room and it’s very painful to be on the end of. I was thinking today and I had a sharp realisation – I can’t actually recall a time when I did all the running with a girl. Sure, there have been a few examples of me making the first move, but those have only ever come hand-in-hand with the knowledge that them saying ‘yes’ was an absolute certainty. Therein lies the problem my friends – Fear of rejection and a little bit of insecurity problems. At the end of the day I just really need to feel wanted. My self-esteem has taken a bit of a pounding over the years and I find that the other guys I know seem to enjoy informing me of the moment any girl says I’m unattractive or “not their type”. In fact they actively seem to seek out those very statements of a regular basis. I try to ignore it, but it does affect the way I think about myself.

Now, I don’t want to paint a picture of me being a huge fuck up in relationships as there have been some really good times. The problem is I find that they all seem to end he same way. It’s not that I don’t make any effort either – I do try - it’s just that I truly am pretty woeful at it. There is someone on my radar at the moment I do like quite a lot, yet all I can do when I think of the subject is talk myself out of it and think of reasons why her answer to any potential liaison would be to scream at the top of her voice and then run straight through the nearest door without stopping to open it. Most guys I speak to about this give me the same bullshit response. They’ll proclaim to have no trouble, call me a fag or just mock me. It never bothers me as I can see that most just hind behind a macho exterior as they are afraid that weakness isn’t an attractive trait to a female, and perhaps they are right. Me, well I believe in never changing who you are, and I’m just someone trying to be honest about his flaws so he can better them.

By now you’re most probably wondering whether or not I’m actually ever going to make a point instead of this seemingly endless maelstrom of fucking blabbering on, so here is that point before the few readers I’ve obtained dessert me for good. The point is I need to understand what I want before going into anything just because I can. I knew my last relationship would never work out, but I proceeded regardless and ended up causing myself a lot of unnecessary bother and strife. I entered into that because she practically threw herself at me and the sensation of being wanted took over. So what do I want, well that’s pretty clear. I want someone that will just surprise the fuck out of me, and I hope when I meet that person then all this crap that fills my head will disappear and I just act naturally and without apprehension. I guess at heart I’m a bit of a soppy romantic – I like the concept of love that unconditional and timeless. I like to think that there is someone perfect out there for everyone, even if it’s a mathematical probability that there must be millions of people more suitable for you than the one you’re with. That’s just for hard-nosed cynics and the motherfuckers out there that like to ruin things being being overly logical (You know who I mean, people like those fucking scientists who actually sit there at computer terminals and figure out how impossible it would be for Santa Claus to deliver presents to everyone’s homes and then make their findings known to anyone who’ll listen).

So I guess I throw myself at the mercy of any women out there who might want to help a brother out and give him a little bit of advice. Maybe let known a few little secrets that a man should know about what the fairer sex truly want. God knows you’d be doing me a favour.

An indescribable feeling.

Sounds like a pointless title – letting the reader know that what follows will be a post about something I’ve already proclaimed as indescribable – but I figured if I had a pop at writing how I’m feeling then perhaps I’ll understand whatever it is that’s bothering me. Alternatively, perhaps anyone who reads this will think that I’m crazier than a rat in a tin shit-house (I watched The Shawshank Redemption recently -I love that line). Who knows?

Well, I guess I’m feeling like I just want to disappear. I don’t feel like anything that’s in my life at the moment isn’t something I couldn’t leave in a heart-beat should the moment arise. I go into my daily day-to-day pursuits with a veneer of my usual self; I make my customary ill-advised jokes and verbosity and I do my work and see my friends. Trouble is, I just feel like my heart isn’t in it, like I’m going through the motions and my mind just isn’t there. I don’t really know why I feel like this, but I all I do know is that I find myself eager to be on my own because I feel happier that way. I find myself at the point of tears and it occurs totally randomly and without any reason that I can grasp.

Sure, the past 3 months haven’t been the best I’ve experienced, but they’re far from the worst I’ve been through. The past isn’t the problem. So what is? Am I depressed? Or am I just being a world-class idiot and letting myself feel down when I don’t really have all that much to feel sorry for myself about? Like I said, who the fuck knows……

That’s enough of that for the moment. 

I’ll pop back to this post in time and add to it when my thoughts become a little clearer.

My day.

With my new found jovial spirit I all of a sudden find myself with out any pertinent emotional topics to talk about with the good folks of cyber-space. I think that I might be a better writer when I’ve got something to piss and moan about – when I’m having a good ol’ fashioned vent about whatever I may be finding irksome. Well, It’s high time I overcame that foolishness and started showing that I am capable of penning (well, keying in this case) something witty and informative about my personal, vapid day-to-day life.

Here goes – clear a path, motherfuckers.

I find that I’m currently listening to a lot of Hip Hop music that I used to be very big on circa the 90’s. I love the production, especially the West Coast variety. Most of all I love listening to something that’s lyrically very well-written. Anyone doubting the ability of Hip Hop artists as song writers should find and study the track ‘Sinature Slogans’ by Del The Funky Homosapien. It never fails to blow my mind as it’s just so insanely clever.

OK – so that really isn’t all that interesting, is it? It’s just a small observation I can onto today.

The main little point of intrigue today was how I find myself absolutely fucking exhausted. I have been a bit of a naughty boy recently and I’ve been sleeping with someone who I really shouldn’t be – you can forget about anymore detail than that. Anything else I divulge could leading to my life being ended prematurely. She can be quite demanding between the sheets. On top of that I’ve played 36 holes of Golf since Friday, worked a 12 and 10 hour shift and managed to have 6 hours sleep over the weekend. If it wasn’t for Red Bull and Coffee I’d most probably of been discovered at working catching some Z’s in the nearest bin. I’m 30 now, and when I was 25 I could do the above and still carrying on the same way for another week without even breaking a sweat. Now however, I feel like I’m starting to get old. All I can think about is how much I’d like  a nice bath, a tasty snack and an early night. Sorry state of affairs isn’t it? Well I suppose it happens to everyone at some point – I know people in their late teens who have no stamina and sleep more often than they’re awake – I guess I should be happy that’s at least it’s happening to me once I’ve tasted the hedonistic pursuits that accompany being young.  I’ve torn clubs to pieces like a motherfucker, I’ve had all-night sex with a beautiful girl and still worked my ass into the ground the next day, I’ve danced like I’m retarded without any trace of rhythm whilst filled with enough alcohol to sedate a Rhino. I’ve tasted all that shit that goes with being a young man and I can look back and smile over some of the things I’ve done. I guess I’m just past it all now – past, but not gone completely. I’ll still spank the boards and throw shapes in the church of dance from time-to-time. It just won’t be with the same frequency as it once was. Nowadays I’d sooner just lead a fairly simple and quiet life.

I’m off now to have a bath and get the fuck to bed at a respectable hour.

Opposites.

At work there is someone who I’d consider to be my opposite. For the sake of my personal safety, I’ll avoid any more details than that, but today made me aware of something – people like that have to exist.

Why? I hear you all collectively sneer. Well it’s simple my friends; without  somebody so different from me, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate being all the things that I am. Think about it – if every day was sunny, then what is a sunny day? The person is question single-handedly manages to stand for pretty much everything I don’t find the least bit appealing in another member of the human race. They are brash, pretentious, lascivious, crude and bigoted. Think your typical ‘alpha-male’ stereotype but with the intelligence of a rotting cabbage. In short, the motherfucker is 24 carat sleaze. The person  – I’ve kind of let it slip already that the ‘person’ is a ‘he’ so I’ll quit being non-specific – in question took it upon himself to attempt to shoot me down in flames. According to what he believes someone like me lacks focus and goals because they don’t adhere to obtaining monetary reward and status. He thinks that I should be seeking a better paid job, a better car and a place of my own. These are goals that he considers the average man of my age should of already completed. Now me, I don’t like that kind of thing.

I’m a fairly easy-going, laid-back kind of guy. I hate these little expectations the world puts upon us – living at home at my age is frowned upon, but I’ve never understood that. It’s my choice to stay and help my mother run the house I’ve always lived in. As things stand I’m more than happy in my current circumstances, and when the day comes for me to get a place of my own then that’s what I’ll do – not because I feel that I have to do so on account of what people may think of me, but because it’s what I want to do for myself. My job is pretty woeful; it doesn’t pay that well and being a Chef goes hand-in-hand with smelling to high-hell of whatever you may of been preparing that day (Onion Bhaji’s omit a stench that requires several washes before it leaves your hair). That said it has perks – I get to hang-out with friends, eat for free and have a fairly relaxed working life. That’s all I really want. My goals are personal to me; I want to write a book, find a nice girl and just simply be happy. Those are the things that matter – not keeping up with the Jones’ or whomever may have a newer car of more money than me. That’s always seemed asinine to me.

The point to this little diatribe is this; opposites are essential. I don’t deplore the man in question because I see his very being as essential to me. If it wasn’t for people like him, then there wouldn’t be people like me. We need various types of personality to keep the balance. Imagine how banal the world would be if everyone followed the same principles.  All his little character assassination did was strengthen my resolve about being happy with who I am, and in an odd way I thank him for doing so. It was a good feeling knowing that I stand for what I believe in and won’t be distracted by the opinions of those that don’t see things the same way I do.

Happiness.

Happiness is a feeling that occurs arbitrarily.

My father passed away some 18 months ago and since that happened I’ve been struggling with numerous problems and occasional bouts of depression and fatigue. In that time I’ve had one serious relationship end and I’ve been encountering a feeling of being lost. The reasons why I have covered in previous posts, but today that random feeling of happiness hit me and I finally feel that I have reached the sacred light waiting at the end of the tunnel. The reason? Simple; I’ve begun to see that the architect of my woes and strife is none other than myself.

I wasn’t happy in my last relationship. I tried to make something work because I wanted it to – I chose to ignore the feeling inside of me that knew that it couldn’t. I didn’t know how to grieve for my father because I was slightly relieved that he did pass away because it put and end to 2 years of suffering and pain when his dementure became really bad. I became depressed and reclusive due to a desire to be alone. I was hit with a barrage of problems that hit me all at once and I was ill-prepared to deal with them. Sometimes in life you just have to let go and walk away. It’s certainly a statement that is a hell of a lot easier said than it is done, but there is never a truer word spoken. I cried for my Dad recently. I took some time away to really remember the man who raised me as a child, the man who instilled virtues in me and that taught me a lot. He wasn’t a perfect father – nobody is – but he was a generous and kind man that had trouble expressing his love. My Dad showed his love through gifts and various treats and whilst his love was unspoken, it was there. I’m grateful for having him as my Dad and I’ll never forget him. Doing that was cathartic, it released a pent up feeling of loss and sorrow that I have been carrying for too long. Recently I’ve began to speak about him with my friends and allow myself to open up more about how I feel. I’ve told stories about how he taught me how to play Golf at our local field, about how my love for film is because when I was a child he would sit my brother and I down and watch classics instead of whatever mindless fare was occupying popular culture at the time – he had brilliant taste. He had a lot of faults, but on the whole he was a good man. I’m not sad that he is gone anymore, I’m happy I had 28 years of knowing him.

That is one reason for my new-found euphoria. The main one is the time I’ve spent doing things to better myself. I can’t just sit around and wallow in pity and watch the troubles I have escalate into bigger and badder ones. I actually exclaimed to myself “Get the fuck up and do something” and I did exactly that. Now my future is that much brighter. Now I go into my life with renewed vigour and a feeling of being happy with who I am for the first time in a long time.

Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. I ook back upon recent events and feel a sense of accomplishment that I have overcome so difficult times. I look forward to people seeing me the way I know I am; happy.

Love thy self, James.

I just spent about 10 minutes having a little read through what I been writing on here the past few months and I noticed that it’s about time I said something good about myself!

Man, I have post-fever today. This is my 3rd of the day and I feel as if I could quite comfortably write double the amount before the day is done.  This little nugget of hilarity and insight is going to be about me and the things I really do like about myself. I’ve spent a bit of time detailing my flaws and that introspection has helped me immeasurably. I’d advise anyone reading this to sit down at least once in your life and write out your flaws and do so with total honesty. It felt good when I did it, and seeing the results in print had a huge cathartic affect on me and the way I look at myself. I accept my flaws, I accept that I am far from perfect and in the wrong as often as I’m right. Accept your flaws and you can appreciate your strengths. We’re all human at the end of the day, we all make stupid mistakes, we all have regrets and we all get hurt by other people. Sometimes the blame is ours, other times it may not be. One thing I’ve learnt is that dwelling is the worst thing you can do. If something ends, then the chances are it’s ended for a bloody good reason. All you can do is move on, and look forward to want life has to offer you – you never know what’s around the corner.

So, without further ado, here is a little list of some of the things I really like about being me, and the things I’m happiest with about myself:

1. I’m very open-minded. I don’t have any prejudices.
2. I’ve got a really good sense of humor.
3. I’m very loyal.
4. I’m very honest.
5. I’ll always do the right thing. It may take me a while to get there, but I always come through in the end.
6. I like my dress sense.
7. I like that I take my passions that step further than most people.
8. I love being a day-dreamer
9. I never aspire toward having the nicest car, clothes, house or status.
10. I always try to look out for the people who get bullied or mocked. I do this because of the times that no one was there for me when I was going through it.
11. I like to do occasional charitable acts and never speak to a soul about them.
12. I’m a  lot fun to be around when I’m happy
13. I’ll make a great husband for someone.
14. I always seem to manage to make girls cum. (God knows how)
15. I’m very modest.

Golf.

Golf is single-handed the most joyous and most frustrating experience you can have playing sport.  I’ve really started to get into it recently, and I’ve been trying to get in at least one round a week and as much practice as possible – even if that means swinging a 9-iron around the house and doing the cat a mischief. I love Golf for lots of reasons. Yes, there is no fury like that you encounter on a round when things begin to go awry, but that feeling can be completely washed away by the euphoria from hitting a perfect shot. There is something so incredibly satisfying about hearing the noise of an ideal swing hitting it’s target to perfection and the sight of that little white ball landing where you want it to for once that makes all the anger and frustration you have felt somehow worth while.

I’ve been playing a lot with my best friend, and we are both what you would call ‘avid’ Golfers at best – neither of us are particularly good. We are however getting better and there is now quite a rivalry developing between us – a good natured one without any animosity, but we do both enjoy beating the other. The more I play the more I enjoy it. I used to be a very keen Golfer during my early 20’s but I never really enjoyed it like I am now. It’s really good exercise – a long brisk walk carrying a heavy bag in beautiful countryside and a bit of an upper-body work out make you feel really good once the 18 holes are done. It’s also really good male-bonding. Perhaps it’s a sign of me getting older, but a game of Golf, followed by a few beers and an evening barbecue with my best friend at his place is a hell of a lot more appealing than going out clubbing.  OK, there elements of the whole game that I don’t like. It can be frequented by some incredibly snooty and pretentious people , and I’ve never been that keen on the fact that some places require strict dress codes and pricey memberships before they allow you to tear up their fairways. But thankfully there are as many places that allow the casual visitor. Maybe one day I’ll upgrade and start going to the really good courses.

Next time I go for a round I’ll post just how I did over the 18 holes.

Fitting in.

I’ve known for most of my adult life that I don’t exactly fit in with the crowd. Some folks out there have the innate abilty to be social butterflies and can shine in each and any situation that comes their way. Me, I’m just not one of those people. I’m one of those people who finds that although he doesn’t awlays like being alone, I’m much happier when I am.

That was complete bollocks.

I guess the real point I’m trying to get across here is that I feel like there is a huge void in my life – I’m not talking Ex’s here, because the same feeling was there all the time I was with her – I feel as if I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be. Trouble is, I’ve not idea at all what I am meant to be doing, if indeed there is anything at all. All I know is that I really feel like I need to change things. Take my job for example, I work as a Chef and I have done for the past 14 or so years. I don’t like what I do. I don’t like the majority of people that do the same because they mostly are arrogant and obnoxious. I find that I don’t have any passion for food, although there are times I enjoy knowing how to cook because it does come in handy entertaining the fairer sex. I know for certain that Catering is not a profession I have any desire to be in anymore. I want to do something that I love.

I love writing. I may not be a dazzling wordsmith or have anything packing a social punch to say, but I really do enjoy it. I love being able to pour my inner-most thoughts and feelings into the printed word and see the thoughts that cloud my mind become clarified and cogent. Writing helps me make sense of things. Purely on monetary terms I can’t afford to pack my job in, and I have no desire to actively seek another that will just present the same problems as my current one, so I’m stuck being a Chef for a while. But I can actively pursue writing in my spare time. I’m going to attempt to write a book. Tomorrow I get my hands on a laptop, so I’ll be able to have access to my work whenever I choose – I have a portable Internet connection I can take anywhere – and I’m really going to place all my efforts into that. Best of all I’m really enthusiastic about it. I will most probably write something that’s a complete mess and hold no allure to any potential publishers, but I’m going to try. I won’t be afraid of being hammered to the floor by the amount of rejections I’m sure to get, I’ll keep plugging away until something happens and if I’m as good as people have told me I am then I can succeed. It won’t be immediate, it won’t be easy as I have absolutely zero recognised qualifications – I’m self-educated – but it is possible.

I’m the type of person that has the attention span of a Ferret on PCP when it comes to things I’m not interested in, but with things I love even the slightest detail, no matter how inane, seems to stick in my mind. Writing is that way for me – I know I have a lot to learn in terms of construction and grammar, but those are minor points as long as the passion is there. I know I’m capable of doing something really good if I put my mind to it and finally get past the fear of being mocked or humiliated.

So it starts here, I’ve already planned out what I’m going to write and brainstormed a lot of the various points and subjects I will include. All I have to do now is put that into words and hope that a little fortune from above comes my way. I reckon I deserve it. I’ve had a bad couple of years or so with relationships troubles, money problems and suffering loss. I’m finally working past all of that and the light at the end of the tunnel gets closer by the day. For the first time in quite a while I wake up in the mornings happy about who I am and with a purpose to make sure that I prevail, that I show the world that there is a greatness inside of me I’ve always been too afraid to risk letting free.

I know I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be, I know that I’m tired of what I currently am.

Where I go wrong.

I guess the subject of relationships hasn’t quite run it’s course – I probably should make this entire blog dedicated to them. I made a promise that this would be a collection of my thoughts – whatever they may be – and I’d be honest, so if relationships as a whole are circling around the inner-sanctum of my mind then it’s them which I’ll be writing about. My cogitation today has been directed toward the areas in which I tend to make the worst judgement calls or make the most mistakes. Now, I know that there is no secret formula that allows you to enjoy the fruits of companionship without any of the troublesome elements, but there are certain things I know full well I do in spite of my better judgement – the inner voice that’s screaming at me “what the fuck are you doing, jackass?“ . 

I’ll start with the the main problem of all, and that’s that I seem to be making the same mistake over and over – I choose the type of relationships that comes with high amounts of baggage. You see, I’ve noticed that I enter into things with a girl knowing full well that there is a large possibility it will never work. Take my last 2 for example – both required some element of secrecy and hiding of the truth from others, both were naive girls with a lot of insecurity issues and both wanted someone to look after them having had bad experiences in the past. Now, I’d hate to think of myself of some sort of idiot who is attracted to vulnerable girls who need a nice guy, but recent trends are making me think that could be exactly the case. Do I want to be the knight in shining armour who saves them from the miscreants who would use or abuse them? Have I some sub-conscious desire to be better than the people in their lives before me to such an extent I perpetuate my own nice-guy persona to hide from my own problems of not feeling like I’m good enough? I certainly think that’s true. It’s funny because writing this down is sort of making the whole concept that more apparent to me. I know that I need to be comfortable with who I am before I go near another relationship. If I can’t love myself and be myself then there isn’t much hope of anyone else doing the same. I guess that’s why the rejection of being dumped hurts so much, and the reason I tend to sabotage many relationships myself is just my way of making them end because I know I don’t want to be in them but I’m unable to finish things myself. I tried to win both of my Ex’s back, but I wonder how I would of felt had either actually been willing to reconcile things?

Here’s something else I always tend to do – I tend to make points about how I never act in a certain way and how I don’t agree with guys that do. Jealousy for example, I like to make myself out to not be the jealous type at all, yet I have my moments where I can be, in fact they can be quite regular. I’m sure most people can relate to having felt some form of jealousy when a partner is chatting to or associating with a member of the opposite sex you might deem to be a threat. That’s normal. But I feel the need to hide it, I feel the need to keep it all inside of me because I’m afraid that showing any sign of weakness like that will cause the person I’m with to become disinterested with me. It’s stupid because that pursuit in itself is the main reason they do, because I come across as either not caring or unable to express my true feelings. I should just let it out and stop being so stupid. I let the paranoia build inside me and it forms into resentment which invariably I end up taking out on my partner without them ever actually knowing what my problem is. This is all actually very liberating so I’m going to keep going until it’s all out. Here’s a list of some of the other main problems I have:

• Sometimes I distort truths to make myself seem more interesting than I actually am.
• I tend to prefer spending time with my girlfriend when it’s just the two of us. I fear social situations for the possibility of seeing them enjoying inter-action with other people more than they do me. I find it very difficult to accept that they wouldn’t drop me the nano-second someone I consider better comes along.
• If something is annoying me they quite literally have to force me to tell them. I suffer in silence and don’t communicate too well, again through fear of showing weakness
• I like them to be the first to contact me during a day because it makes me feel wanted.
• I like to let my partner enjoy time with there friends and family without me being there, but usually find myself doing nothing whilst they are and I end up feeling like I don’t have a life. I actually even neglect seeing my own friends as I’d sooner just wait for them to be finished so that I can see them.
• I go out of my way to make nice gestures and do nice things a lot of the time. If this isn’t reciprocated then I stop doing it.
• I have a fear of making big, romantic gestures as I don’t want to look soft or stupid. Instead I just tell them about the things I had planned to do in hope that will have the same affect.

I certainly have quite a few problems don’t I? Well, I cant just beat myself up all of the time. I do have strong points in a relationship too. I’m very loving and loyal and I always try to be there if someone needs me. I do make effort, I do try to be open with many of my feelings and I’m not afraid to express love. I’m just afraid that I’ll never get it back. Looking back over this post made my realise that I need to fight through insecurity as it is a problem The first step toward solving a problem is being able to admit to having one in the first place. So this goes out to the next big love of my life – you’re going to get the best of me, you’re going to get the person that will drive through the silly obstacles placed in his way by himself. I know that deep down I’d make a very good long term partner and I do have a lot to offer a girl. I just need to accept that I have flaws, face those flaws and better myself because it can be done. Most of them are just things that when I think about them rationally I know better than anyone else just how stupid they are.

And that ends my catharsis for today.